#padmavatiiyengar 

© 2016 by  Padmavati Iyengar

2018- The year of personal discoveries

December 31, 2018

Hello! Hello!! :D

How have you been?
It's been really long that i shared anything here so I thought why not end the year with a little bit of writing. ;)

This post is very personal but I've tried to write it in a way that you can relate too. You can tag along if you felt this year was an emotional roller coaster for you too Or you could stay if you'd just want to read about my experiences.
 

2018 personally has been a beautiful but challenging, very challenging year! It's been pretty intense on an emotional and spiritual level. An year that demanded stepping up and stepping into the uncomfortable chaos where the only option was to un clench my fists and shatter anything that’s toxic and wasn’t working out. It's been a crazy contradictory mix of feeling really lonely to finding new people and ways of expression. From experiencing an mental depression to having some of the greatest epiphanies. 

 

There's been a lot to learn but here is my perspective on 4 major aspects that have impacted me THE most this year and what I’ve learned and am learning from them-

 

 

 

1- Knowing your value
 

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in fact the one thing that you OWE yourself is respect and acceptance. Everything else just supports that.
 

This is something I learnt about myself and am still working on- To really, truly accept myself, I need KNOW who I am and what i really stand for.
Although knowing yourself is a life long process, to begin with, It is so so sooo important to understand the difference between things you believe in VS who you really are in this moment. Its important to separate yourself from all the prejudices, beliefs that you attach yourself and your self worth to.
For eg- I may believe that I am a very positive person but if I am feeling negative in this moment about something, it’s important for me to acknowledge that. A positive attitude definitely will help me cope with my feelings better but to really change the negative at its core, I need to acknowledge it and watch it change without getting attached to it.
To value yourself, you need to respect yourself and that only happens when you are willing to put in the work. You can trick yourself on a surface level by reading things and thinking positive or making excuses but on a deeper subconscious level where we really operate from, its important to physically DO what it takes to earn respect for yourself and when you start to do that, you learn to accept the fact that feelings (positive or negative) change when you don’t attach yourself to anything. THIS gives you power to see your strengths and really accept yourself and that in turn decides your relationship with every person in your life.
Know your worth, You will make better choices.

 


2- Growth

 

The thing we will never be “ready” for.
Growth is scary! It's something we all long for but the process takes courage. It really is in that uncomfortable alien space between comfort and ambition where growth happens. It demands you to change and even though it’s inevitable, Change can be scary because it requires a certain kind of separation. Separation from what you feel is safe and familiar including your own thoughts and beliefs and in doing so you to do things and make choices that probably breaks your heart or breaks the heart of people you love. The people, places, and situations that no longer serve you fall apart and that can be scary because it does get lonely but here’s the thing about growth, if you are honest and are open to receiving, you will definitely attract people and experiences that will enrich your soul. These experiences will give you right what you need and are ready for in this moment.
Just be open!
Be open to receiving and growing and you will find the exact people, situations that will help you. 

 

 

3-Self love

I’ve experienced the most changes in my body this year.  I kept telling myself that it’s just the age I am in and my body is going through biological changes etc. a part of which could be true but it’s also given me perspective on looking at self-love so differently.

This concept i feel is often confused with personal care. Although they are related BUT self-love is how you treat yourself and choose to be treated. Along with physically working on yourself and accepting physical changes, it’s even more important to address your own thoughts that are toxic. Most times we really don’t need anything or anyone else to cause pain. It’s the built up unacknowledged negativity in our own head that does the job. 

Self-love I feel is choosing your growth over any self-sabotaging habits. It’s choosing to put in the work where it’s required. It’s choosing to be honest with yourself. It’s choosing to work from a place of honesty so instead of taking orders from someone else on how you should be, you start taking orders from the little voice inside of you.
Self love is understanding the idea of physical/emotional change and accepting it even when it's tough because that sets the tone for every relation you will have. How can you really accept change in another person if you can't accept that in your own self?
How you perceive anyone else depends on how you perceive yourself and vice versa
To love yourself, make sure you do things that make you come alive.

Travel, sing, dance, bird watch, exercise, anything that reminds you of what makes you joyful.

 

 

4-Relationships (this is going to be a long one)

One of the greatest lessons I've experienced this year that has been the base of everything I've learnt later is that- YOU ARE HERE ON A JOURNEY OF GROWTH AND PEOPLE CAN ONLY ADD TO WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY EXPERIENCING.


A relationship, especially a romantic one is so much more than just two people that like each other or live together.

If you really love someone, you open yourself to them, you're really vulnerable.
Vulnerable with parts of you that even you probably dint know about yourself, parts of you no-one has seen before, the dark corners inside of you, the corners that need healing, your weakness, your traumas and everything in between.

Now to be this naked in front of someone, you need to really trust the other person or the relationship but there also is a little fear that comes with it because you give your partner the power to do anything with what you've shown them so you subconsciously wish for your partner to react and treat you in a way that feels familiar or feels safe for you.Every small flaw in you will bother you when your partner expresses it and instead of working on it, you'll start playing the blame game. You'll start blaming your partner for your own weaknesses that you don't want to work on and it will only keep getting toxic.Before you commit to anyone: Its no one but YOUR job to know what you bring to the table. It will give you confidence to understand yourself and be more empathetic to whoever you're with.Relationships are here to make you conscious about your own selves. No-one is here to fix you. They're only here to hold your hand when you need one and they're here to love you if you let them :)

Now here's the thing, no matter how similar people are, they have different ways of perceiving the same thing and maybe your partner is a beautiful human, there is a very good chance of them not knowing what to do with so much data of yours and then there's a very good chance of them messing something up along the way because they deep down feel pressured to live upto your unsaid expectations so they make sense of it in their own way.
Now IF you haven't invested time in yourself to really know who you are and what your strengths are, you're definitely going to let another person mess you up. Its a given!
Why? because they already have their own baggage and now they have yours too which they were not even supposed to take in the first place but now they're also doing your home work with whatever little they know and that will affect you.
Make sure you understand what your core values are and what you stand for.  When you know what makes you, YOU, you become less fearful and whatever comes your way only adds to what you already are. Take time out, do whatever it takes to detach yourself to see yourself from your own eyes. The more you invest in being a better person, the lesser you are affected by the actions of another. 

Once you embrace your own journey and start seeing life as a platform for your growth, anyone you meet becomes a medium to add to your journey, THAT changes the game completely!

 

So that was some of my most important lessons this year. It's been more like a mirror to my own self.It really has been a year of questioning everything i stood for and rediscovering myself in ways I never could have imagined but all that only resulting in experiencing a massive shift in perspective in every area of life. It has kind of changed the way i look at anything now and i am only grateful for that.

Hope you had a lovely year.

Thank you so much for reading <3 
Lots of love and blessings
Padmavati 

 

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